So I saw _Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull _last Friday. Two days later I also watched for the first time Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Instead of doing a lame movie review, here’s a double header feature!
(Warning: Spoilers for both movies follow)
|Criteria||Raiders of the Lost Ark||Kingdom of the Crystal Skull||Winner|
|Opening Sequence||Indy explores an abandoned ruin, is betrayed by his companion, recovers a lost artifact only to get it snatched by the bad guy. Later, his boring lecture at the university is interrupted by some university official telling him the government was looking for him||Indy explores an abandoned warehouse, is betrayed by his companion, recovers a lost artifact only to get it snatched by the bad guy. Later, his boring lecture at the university is interrupted by some university official telling him the government was looking for him||Tie|
|Death Traps||Walls that shoot arrows, spike-filled pits, spears thrusting out of the walls, huge rocks rolling down the corridor, weight-sensitive platform.||Refrigerator and a nuclear bomb||Crystal Skull|
|Indy's Love Interest||Young Marion Ravenwood, played by Karen Allen||Old Marion Williams, played by Karen Allen||Raiders|
John Rhys-Davies, famous for appearing in Sliders and as Gimli in
Lord of the Rings
. Makes me think of Pavarotti.
|Shia Lebouf, famous for appearing in Transformers. Homer Simpson describes him as "not quite a nerd, not quite a hunk." Makes me think of Bumblebee.||Raiders. I liked Sliders.|
|The bad guy||A snooty French Archeologist, played by Paul Freeman.||A snooty Soviet agent, played by Cate Blanchett. Thinks she is psychic.||Crystal Skull|
|Other adversaries||Nazis; Hitler; Egyptian street punks who are really bad at fighting.||Russians; Mayans with poison darts||Crystal Skull|
|Artifact||The Ark of the Covenant, said to contain the original Ten Commandments. Inexplicably cursed.||A crystal alien skull, said to be able to speak directly to the mind. Inexplicably magnetic.||Crystal Skull|
|Best fight scene||Indy versus large Russian brawler while Marion attempts to get a small plane under control.||Shia Lebouf fencing with Cate Blanchett, while straddling two running vehicles.||Crystal Skull|
|Number of times Indy gets caught||3||5||Raiders|
|What happened to the bad guys?||Had the flesh peeled off their bones via dated 80's-style special effects||Disintegrated and transported through the space bridge, but not before achieving omniscience.||Raiders|
|What happened to the artifact?||Hidden away in Area 51 warehouse||Re-attached to it's body and flew off to Dimension X||Crystal Skull|
|Ending sequence||The government denies everything. Indy and the museum get a lot of cash.||Indy and Marion get married, and we're tempted with Shia Lebouf attempting to don the fedora.||Crystal Skull|
Winner: Indiana Jones and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull!